National Police Blotter
Los Angeles, CA
Apr. 16: A 26-year-old Santa Monica man was stopped by police at 1:44 a.m. on Interstate 10 traveling 107 mph in a 55 mph zone. The offender, Walter Hobbs, explained at the time he was pulled over, the earth was traveling at 66,000 mph in an easterly fashion, so by going west on I-10 at 107mph, he was actually, in a "metaphysical" sense, going 65893 mph under the posted speed limit, and that such a "defensive driving posture" should earn him a city citation. When Mr. Hobbs later reached for the officer's gun while claiming the weapon was "inanimate" in the "space-time continuum", he was arrested and taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center for a psychiatric evaluation.
Apr. 22: Police responded to a complaint at 3:17 a.m. at the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and Vine St. about a man on a street impersonating Lady Ga Ga, juggling hamsters and shouting he was Jesus Christ, but police later released the man after concluding it was 'standard behavior' for anyone on Hollywood and Vine at 3:17 a.m.
Apr. 26: Bruce Coleman, a 46-year-old man from West Hollywood, was arraigned in an L.A. court on a warrant issued for identity theft. But when it became evident the accused was the doppelganger of the original Bruce Coleman, the genuine Bruce Coleman refused to press charges and the case was dismissed.
Chicago, IL
Apr. 23: A complainant filed a report at 10:36 a.m. regarding a woman claiming the subplot in "Police Academy 2" was better than the main plot in "Police Academy 4". The responding officer charged 42-year-old Barbara Collins of Dearborn Park with First Degree Grand Irrelevancy, then released her under her own recognizance.
Apr. 25: A 12-year-old girl was reported missing at 11:06 a.m. at a Staten Island shopping mall. Police found Stacey Peterman an hour later aimlessly wondering in the food court saying she had gone to “The Softer Side of Sears” and there were no signs posted to safely return her to her mother in the food court.
Apr. 28: A waitress reported at 6:28 p.m. a man walked into an International House of Pancakes in Lincoln Park and would not leave until he was served a triple stack of pancakes from Guam. When police arrived, the 85-year-old-man accused IHOP of 'false advertising' then stormed out of the restaurant.
Apr. 30: Two 19-year-old men were issued summonses at 12:37 a.m. for unlawful possession of marijuana following a traffic stop on East Main Street in Kenwood. But the two police officers who initiated the pullover suddenly decided the heck with being cops, the law and life in general, and joined the youths for an impromptu 'roadside pot party'.
New York, NY
Apr. 14: A 17-year-old Queens man was arrested for assaulting a tow truck driver at a Walgreens while having his car towed. Nicholas Romano delivered the sucker punched the driver of the tow truck refused to believe that if the intersection of 'Happy & Healthy' was fictional the 'No Parking Anytime' sign should be imaginary as well.
Apr. 22: Police responded to a ShopRite in Brooklyn at 2:44 p.m. on a report that a "crazed" man was in the cereal isle of the supermarket. It was quickly learned that Myron Bellman III had literally gone “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”, and was taken to a local hospital for a psychiatric evaluation.
Apr.27: A 52-year-old man was arraigned in a Manhattan court at 11:09 a.m. for disturbing the peace at a Priceline.com office. The accused, Robert Newman, became highly belligerent when the travel office refused his "name your own price" of 17 cents for a roundtrip ticket to New Zealand.
Apr.29: a 30-year-old man was arrested in the Bronx at 9:35 a.m. for unlawfully removing a mattress label. The accused, Pedro Garcia, was recently convicted of not separating his recyclables and selling a bottle of ketchup marked 'not for resale', so if convicted on the mattress charge he faces life in prison under New York State's '3 strikes' law.