President Trump Nominates Howie Mandel To Serve On U.S. Supreme Court
In what may be his most surprising move since taking office, President Trump today nominated Howie Mandel (left) to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court citing Mr. Mandel’s judicial manner on “America’s Got Talent” would make him a shoe-in with the Senate Judiciary Committee.
"I have no idea what's going on here!," Mr. Mandel shouted while washing his hands for the 109th time that day. "And there's no way I'd ever serve as a U.S. Justice because the Supreme Court is a bacterial wonderland!"
Mr. Trump, aware of Mr. Mandel's mysophobia, or a pathological fear of germs, played down the condition undermining his pick to serve on our nation's highest court.
"Howie can serve safely on the bench," he said while having his hair demi-glazed with orange sauce, "..because he'll be enclose in a 360 degree sneeze guard, his gavel will be cloaked in Saran-Wrap and Justice Sonia Sotomayor will have to wash her wash hands every time she sneaks away for a taco."
"Justice Sonia Sotomayor never washes her hands after sneaking away for a taco!," Mr. Mandel cried out while hastily filling his underground bunker with a hundred cases of Lysol. "And besides," he added, "The Confirmation Hearings are held in the Senate Office Building, and the last time I checked that place is the world's largest Petri dish!"
"I've addressed that concern as well," Mr. Trump proudly declared while his hair was wrestled into shape by Jeff Koons. "..because during his confirmation hearing, I've arranged for the CDC to lend Howie one of their Level 5 Bio-Hazard Suits, and that should even protect Howie from any parasites left over from the Clinton years."
"It doesn't matter!," Mr. Mandell fired back. "A 'Level 5 Bio-Hazard Suit' from the Center of Disease Control won't stop virulent contagions from penetrating my body!"
"Then you know what?," Mr. Trump said while his hair was being sprayed with Polyglycoat. "I'll give the U.S. Supreme Court a 'reality show' atmosphere. Justices can vote themselves off a case, plaintiffs and defendants can place hidden cameras on each other and convicted felons could have their sentences reduced by doing really well in a 'talent competition'."
"Then, I might serve on the Supreme Court," Mr. Mandel conceded while washing his sponges. "So long as my Bio Hazard Suit is further encased in what John Travolta wore in that 'Bubble Boy' movie."
President Trump was elated by Mr. Mandel's acceptance.
"I'm glad Howie is finally on board," he stated while looking at his hair in a ten-way mirror. "..because the U.S. Supreme Court will soon tackle 'The United States of America vs. Mr. Clean', and no one has a better mind than Howie to hear the case."