top of page

Fox News Channel To Premier 3 New Shows


The Fox News Channel is launching three new primetime shows this fall to prove the journalistic talents of even more young and beautiful female personalities.

The first new program is called "DC After Dark", a hard-hitting news program that will focus on America's most pressing issues while providing newsmaking politicians with lap dances, a free cocktail buffet and champagne table service starting at $800 dollars a bottle.

"The sexy show will get DC bigwigs to really open up about the problems facing America," said Ashley Blair (left), the anchor for "DC After Dark", "by making them feel like

they're in a high-end strip club. And I'll to get to the heart of the story,"

Miss Blair added while looking for something to eat at the news-feed desk, "because I used to be a Senior Correspondent for Avon."

Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky was enthusiastic about the new show.

"I absolutely cannot wait to get on 'DC After Dark'," he said while buying cologne. "..to discuss..umm.. You know, whatever. And by the way," he added. "Don't tell my wife about this show."

The second new show from Fox News is "Politico Blue", anchored by Sasha Berkley (right), the former Public Relations Chief for Hawaiian Tropic, and the opening of each program will

feature her seductively frolicking on a beach as delicate waves splash over her magnificent curves. Then, when an 'inside the beltway' politician arrives on-set, Miss Berkley will strip him down to his underwear, whisper 'dirty talk' into his ear and provide a full body message with kiwi-scented coconut oil - all while uncovering the political stories Americans have a right to know about.

"The sensual messages I'll be giving on 'Politico Blue' will prove my

journalistic integrity," Miss Berkley claimed while wondering why hermit crabs were so social, "..because nothing can expose the truth in Washington DC like a 'happy ending'".

Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont was cautiously optimistic about appearing on "Politico Blue".

"I don't mind going to the beach to talk about health care," he said while completely clearing his schedule for the next 3 months. "But I'm allergic to anything 'coconut' so I hope Miss Berkley will have some regular message oil on hand to rub the radical republican agenda out of my neck."

Rounding out the new shows on The Fox Channel is "Foxy Friends" (to replace the The Greg Gutfeld Show), a lighthearted look into DC politics complete with strip routines, burlesque-style floor shows, lesbian-leaning playfulness, and of course, six fun-loving and scantily clad goddesses to provide the most intellectually challenging conservative viewpoints.

"The political chit-chat is going to be like totally in-depth," said Lead News Contributor Elsa Hosk while preparing the show's 'conservative talking points' with her panel (photo left), "by aiming

our really big cannons of journalism directly towards Washington, DC."

Gemma Varekova, the program's International Policy Analyst, echoed the expertise.

"Everyone on 'Foxy Friends' is going to tackle the hard news because doing the easy news is easy," she said while trying to listen to "The Laura Ingraham Show" via a sea shell. "But more importantly," Miss Varekova added, "all of us girls will be wearing high-heel shoes so I hope no one trips over the AP wire, whatever the heck that is."

New York Times Columnist Tom Friedman loved the concept of "Foxy Friends" and was eager to be on the show.

"It'd be the first time I could park my brain at the door before going on a talk show," he said while rubbing his face, shutting off his computer and happily crashing onto his bed. "And for once on a news show,", Mr. Friedman added, "I can forget about the growing divide between the rich and poor, the negative impacts of globalization and the approaching perils of climate change, and completely focus my thoughts on my cool train set, my delicious linguine with chickpeas recipe and my great dog, Skippy."

Rupert Murdoch, the Chairman of News Corp, defended the overt sexuality in his three new shows.

"The TV news business can never get enough of T&A, mate," he said while slapping around his 'idiot' son. "And besides," the media mogul added, "The three rules of broadcast journalism in Australia are 'carefully check your sources', 'tell nothing but the truth' and 'always hire a female anchor with a set of gams that would make a bishop kick in a stained glass window."

"DC After Dark", "Politico Blue" and "Foxy Friends" have all been rated NC-17 by the FCC, and the agency strongly urges parents to blindfold any children who come within a viewable vicinity of the programs.

bottom of page