NYC Police Label Stephan Colbert "Clinically Insane"
Police in Manhattan called a press conference last night to announce that Stephen Colbert of "The Late Show With Stephen Colbert" is "clinically insane", and anyone who sees the talk how host should offer no food, stand back and immediately call the authorities.
"Mr. Colbert, who has not reported for work since last Thursday, has been spotted all over town maniacally performing snippets from the recurring segments of
his show" said NYC Police Commissioner Bill Bratton, "So we urge the public to help us apprehend this deeply disturbed man."
Stephen Colbert's madness was first noticed at a TCBY yogurt store in Queens, NY where he performed a few lines from his 'Big Furry Hat' routine.
"Attention yogurt eaters!" the comedian shouted while moisturizing his face with peach n' cream yogurt. "From this point on, any gambler who loses his life savings in Las Vegas shall be allowed to steal up to 300 Sweet’N Lows from the casino, if Capital One can ask me 'What’s in my wallet?', I have the right to ask them 'What’s in the cardboard box hidden behind the broken refrigerator in their garage' and ‘little people’ must subsidize their incomes by posing for trophies."
"It's funny" said Edna Burrows (right) who was in the TCBY store when Mr. Colbert was acting like a lunatic. "We came in for some
some low-cal raspberry yogurt, and we ended up hearing some pretty good 'Big Furry Hat' jokes."
"But to be honest with you?" added her husband, Dale. "It just wasn't the same without the big furry hat."
An hour later, Mr. Colbert's second bout with delirium took place at Ortega's Boxing Gym in the Spanish Harlem section of Manhattan, where he crazily, and perhaps appropriately, performed a few lines from the "Take The Gloves Off" segment of his show.
"And hey, Big Pharma!" he shouted in front of M-13 Gang members seeking to improve their boxing skills. "I cannot definitively conclude your Ambien sleep medication causes severe confusion, but how else could I explain that, after taking the drug one night, I woke up the next morning firmly convinced I was the newly-elected Ruler of the Planet Shangwow in the Sombrero Galaxy?"
The comic intrusion was not appreciated by those in the boxing gym.
"That TV puta came in here and
disrespected the gym with all his nonsense about sleeping pills from outer space", said Killer (right),
the leader of the Manhattan Chapter
of the vicious M-13 street gang. "So that pecho was lucky I wasn't strapped and went mad juice on his ass."
Other members of the M-13 street gang were also perturbed by Mr. Colbert's unscheduled visit.
"This ain't his area code, bitch!" shouted Paco 'Arson Boy' Salamanca (left). "And I hope that culo understood the hand signals we flew his way while chasing him out of our boxing gym."
Mr. Salamanca was referring to the physical gestures the M-13 street gang employs to send a variety of unspoken messages to their mortal enemies.
And after meeting with several gang-culture experts, Spoofeteria was able to decipher that the hand signals aimed at Mr. Colbert by M-13 suggested, in a collective manner, that he "better watch his gringo cracker ass".
Mr. Colbert's final stint of lunacy occurred at Mount Carmel Church (right) in the Little Italy section of the Bronx when he burst into confession booth and began rattling off
material from his "Midnight Confessions" routine.
"Forgive me, audience" he said to a hidden priest, "..because my version of a cardio jam is a Wendy’s Triple, I bring a pocket toothbrush, a currency calculator and my passport to the International House of Pancakes and when I went to 'The Softer Side of Sears' I still ended up buying my refrigerator from Amazon.com"
But the show did not end there. Moments later on the church roof, Mr. Colbert performed additional "Midnight Confessions" for a flock of pigeons.
"Pigeons," he said while intermittently playing a kazoo, "please forgive me because when I went to Walgreens, I ripped up the parking ticket I got on the corner of Happy & Healthy, when Windex included Ammonia D in their glass cleaner, I felt bad for Ammonia A, B and C, and despite my disdain for Big Pharma. And finally," Mr. Colbert added while feeding the pigeons Arthur Avenue's best cannolis. "I believe in Crystal Light, but I don’t believe in me. So, my feathered friends, I told you all my sins. Will you forgive me?"
Monsignor Anthony Paglia (right), the Head Pastor at Mount Carmel Church, was amazed by Mr. Colbert's surprise visit.
"As a place of 'last resort', the Church has seen its fair share of irrational behavior. But I've got to tell you, we've never seen such a complete crackpot like Stephen Colbert. Yet moreover,"
the Monsignor calmly added, "I still can't get my
arms around how utterly and certifiably deranged one has to be to try and get pigeons to laugh."
Sister Bernice Calahan (left), a nun at Mount Carmel Church responsible for janitorial duties, took a more irritated tone towards Mr. Colbert's unapproved appearance.
"Mount Carmel Church can do very nicely without a cretin like Stephen Colbert" she complained while on the church roof hosing away the "diarrhea pandemic" courtesy of Mr. Colbert feeding the pigeons cannolis, "..because the birds around here already have 'the runs' thanks to Little Italy tourists feeding them homemade mozzarella. And I once saw 'The Late Show With Stephen Colbert'", Sister Calahan added, "..and it's clearly a diabolical platform for Satan."
Back in New York City, CBS President Leslie Moonves (right) was more than confident a rogue Mr. Colbert would soon return to his show.
"We look forward to Stephen coming back to 'The Late Show'," he said while holding a copy of Mr. Colbert's "CANCELED" contract and glossy 8x10s of Chris Rock, Kathy Griffin and Louis C.K. "..so we can continue our very special relationship..
And furthermore," he added while on a conference call with Sarah Silverman, Drew Carey and Amy Schumer, "CBS has employed a crack team of investigators to immediately locate Stephen, and bring him back into the loving embrace of the CBS family. And now, if you'll excuse me," Mr. Moonves concluded while sprinting down a hallway, "I've got a meeting with Steve Carell, Wanda Sykes and Patton Oswalt."
Spoofeteria also looked into CBS's "crack team of investigators", and discovered it was comprised of Jose Feliciano, Andrea Bocelli and Stevie Wonder.
"Finding Mr. Colbert has become a top priority for the NYC Police Department because we are concerned about his safety" Commissioner Bratton said towards the end of his press conference. "But a more urgent reason to immediately find Stephen is that Pauly Shore has been guest hosting for him on his show, and we don't know how much more of that our nation can endure."