Scott Baio Vents Concern Over GOP Treatment After Delivering His RNC Speech
Actor Scott Baio voiced alarm yesterday over the manner in which the Republican Party has been treating him ever since he gave his speech at the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.
"I was invited to the RNC to express my conservative views, and it was a great experience," Mr. Baio said while watching "Charles In Charge" reruns. "But it was downhill ever since I walked off the stage and some GOP big shot asked me to help put away the folding chairs at the Quicken Loans Arena..
And if that wasn't bad enough," the actor added while ordering 'Trump 2020' bumper stickers over the phone, "..the next day, another high-level republican ordered me to go pick up all the Trump yard signs in Clark County, Wisconsin. Do you have any idea how long that took?..
And for some reason," Mr Baio further stated, "All of the sudden I'm the guy who has to babysit Pat Robertson. I've got to call him everyday, make him feel important - as if the Republican Party actually gave a **** about him. And it's not easy. The guy's a freaking nut job!"
"It is not out of the ordinary for any newcomer to the Republican Party to undertake our organization's lesser roles," said Reince Priebus, the White
House Chief of Staff in response to Mr. Baio's crankiness. "And just like everywhere else, people have to pay their dues at the GOP."
"I can see a 'total nobody' having to pay their dues," Mr. Baio said later that day dressed as a waiter and serving hors d'oeuvres at a Republican Party fundraiser. "But I'm Scott Baio, the star of "Joanie Loves Chachi", one of the most popular shows on TV in the 1980s!..
So if Reince Priebus wants me to continue supporting the Republican Party," the actor added as he served Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky a corn dog, . "..he better start treating me with some freaking respect - just like he did with Charlton Heston."
In response, Mr. Priebus said "I knew Charlton Heston. Charlton Heston was a friend of mine. Mr. Baio, you are no Charlton Heston. And furthermore," he added. "Mr. Baio starred in "Joanie Loves Chachi", and not "The Godfather", so he needs to play-down his acting credentials."
"Priebus doesn't know what he's talking about!" Mr. Baio fired back. "Joanie Loves Chachi" was an important sitcom about a young couple who moved to Chicago to make it in the music business in the face of the 'British Invasion', a role that required me to develop my singing talents!"
Noted TV critic Sandy Burrows was contacted by Spoofeteria to ultimately determine if "Joanie Loves Chachi" was a sitcom worth remembering.
"The show was less of a comedy and more of a national embarrassment", he said. "And if Scott Baio were to appear in any other TV show, he would
require a drama coach, but then again acting lessons for Scott Baio would be like sending a T-Rex to charm school. And finally," Mr. Burrows concluded. "As far as Mr. Baio's singing talents are concerned, I'd say he's right up there with Yoko Ono."
"This is a pile-on!" shouted Mr. Baio as he offered Senator Al Franken of Minnesota a prosciutto crustini capped with organic kale pâté. "And I'm just waiting for that little prick Sean Spicer to ring in!"
"Let me cut to the chase here", said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in response to Mr. Baio's remark. "The Republican Party can
absorb the loss of Scott Baio and replace him with another actor of equal intelligence. Is Mr. Ed a conservative? And furthermore," Mr. Spicer added, "I can't believe we're having a conversation about a has-been actor who got thrown out of the Playboy Mansion for feeling up the bunnies and breaking the pinball machine."
Aging rocker and Tea Party favorite Ted Nugent was quick to come to Scott Baio's defense.
"C'mon, man. Scott Baio was totally rocking in 'Happy Days'", he said. "So that idiot Sean Spicer needs to chill
out while I'll go and thank Scottie Boy for providing me with years of completely awesome entertainment!"
"Ted Nugent doesn't need to 'thank' Scott Baio," Mr. Spicer said in response to Mr. Nugent's remarks. "He needs to 'thank' the Tea Party because if it weren't for them an unemployed Ted Nugent would be back in Detroit, living in a trailer park, locked in a drunken fistfight with his meth-head sister-in-law over the remaining half of a three-day old Chick-fil-A sandwich. And lastly," Mr. Spicer concluded. "Mr. Nugent, via his comments, has finally proven that "Cat Scratch Fever" can lead to early dementia."
"What the ****?", responded Mr. Nugent.
Later that evening, while hosing down the dumpster in the back of the conservative Capital Hill Club in Washington DC, Mr. Baio surrendered to all the hoopla.
"You know what?" I'm just going to let things slide for now," he stated with his hands up. "But I swear to god, if I get disrespected by the Republican Party one more time, I'm going to up my IQ a few points and sign up with the Democrats."