Latest White House 'Fence Jumper' Goes Undetected For 3 Months
It was revealed yesterday that a White House 'fence jumper' went unnoticed in the Executive Mansion for 3 months, leaving many to wonder if the Secret Service at the world's most guarded building consists of the Keystone Cops, an ADT yard sign and daily novenas.
The alleged trespasser, Warren Kowalski (right), a sandwich maker from Reno, Nevada was finally arrested in the White House Blue Room while trying to pass himself off as Stefan Löfven, the Prime Minister of Sweden, there for a State Dinner in his honor.
"Trust me! I'm from Sweden!" Mr. Kowalski pleaded as 3 Secret Service agents tackled him to the floor. "..because I have lots of sex, I listen to Abba and I got to the White House in a Volvo!"
"Mr. Kowalski secretly made his home right here in the Lincoln Bedroom," said Secret Service Agent Robert Vukovich (left) while rummaging through the intruder's personal belongings.
"So the bong, the Burger King wrappers, the strewn underwear, the Jergens Lotion, three boxes of used tissues and the Christina Aguilera poster all belong to the trespasser."
Politicians in Washington, DC were quick to respond to the latest White House intrusion.
"I've seen Mr. Kowalski a few times in the White House hallways," said U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions while on the phone with the White Aryan nation. "..but since he was
not an African-American, I didn't feel the need to notify the Secret Service."
"The latest 'fence jumping' incident at the White House is the worst breach of security since the Kennedy assassination in 1502," said Energy Secretary Rick Perry (left) while
trying to figure out if the Department of Energy has oversight over
energy bars. "But aside from that," he added while sticking a tire pressure gauge in his ear to measure his intelligence, "..the intrusion of the Executive Mansion infringes upon my duties as Energy Secretary, such as telling folks a Trident Submarine has nothing to do with chewing gum."
"Our newest 'fence climber' told me he was the new Sous Chef," said White House Pastry Chef Claude de la Pierre. "But I had my doubts about that when I tasted his absolutely horrendous Swedish meatballs. And when Education Secretary Betsy
DeVos ate one of them," Mr. de la
Pierre added, "she broke out so bad that when she woke up the next morning a blind man was reading her face."
"I thought Mr. Kowalski was Baron Trump's piano teacher," said White House maid Rosita Castro. "But he was nothing but that pendejo who kept leaving empty Dominos pizza boxes in the Roosevelt Room, half-
eaten Hot Pockets in the Oval Office and peanut butter and jelly all over the flat screens in the Situation Room."
Regardless of the 90 day breach, Agent Vukovich remains optimistic about preventing any future encroachments at the White House.
"Significant security upgrades have already been made to enhance security at the Executive Mansion," he said later that afternoon in the Lincoln Bedroom while also finding ten banana peels, twenty mismatched socks and an artificial vagina. But more importantly," Agent Vukovich added. "..the Commander-in-Chief was never in any danger during Mr. Kowalski's illegal visit because President Trump spends all day in the Family Residence of the White House where he does nothing but scratch his ass, eat junk food and curse out the three major cable news channels on TV."