Caitlyn Jenner Expands Her Sexual Orientation
Television personality Caitlyn Jenner announced yesterday that she is radically
broadening her sexual orientation to include a host of other erotic preferences.
"I simply had to do it," Miss Jenner said while browsing the 'personal lube' department of Big Al's Orifice Depot, "..to address the other sexual identities I've been hiding ever since I was a child."
One of Caitlyn's newly realized sexualities is pansexualism, or having sex with partners who shift their identities between man and woman.
"The sexuality can be confusing," Caitlyn admitted while price-checking condoms. "..because if a male pansexual has sex with a woman who identifies herself as a man, he's living the homosexual lifestyle, and if a female pansexual has sex with another woman who identifies herself as a man, she's all of a sudden a heterosexual. But hey, sweetie, who in the heck said life was easy anyway?"
Caitlyn has also discovered she is a polysexual as well, or someone who is intimate with 3 or more partners at once.
"It's a sexuality for the 'surf and turf' crowd who wants chicken parmigian as well. And to live the lifestyle," Caitlyn added as she inspected a solar-powered vibrator, "one has to purchase a California King Size Mattress."
Autosexuality, or preferring self-sexual gratification over having sex with others, has also found a path to Miss Jenner's bedroom.
"First off, it has nothing to do with 'getting it on' with your car in the garage," Caitlyn joked while trying on a babydoll nightgown. "And the pros of the orientation are you'll never get pregnant, ‘getting lucky’ at a bar is a given and there will never be a 'breakup'."
Lastly, Caitlyn has fallen into the realm of pomosexuality, or wearing no sexual label whatsoever, adopting an 'anything goes with anyone' approach when seeking a dose of that fine lamore.
"It's a sexuality that would give a Barry White album a serious run for its money," Caitlyn asserted while loading an 'Ultimate Bondage Bed Restraint System' into her shopping cart. "And I know that if a pomosexual ever stepped on the Kinsey Scale, they'd probably break it."
"So if you add it all up," Caitlyn stated while leaving Big Al's Orifice Depot with enough sexual paraphernalia to keep Hugh Hefner, Rihanna and Charlie Sheen happy for a year, "it's all about having the ability to switch who you are on the road to liquidity, or in a sense, being able to tell people you're 'trans-mission-fluid'. But to better explain it, I've developed a diagram..
A fun and easy to read chart (left) that will help the American public understand, as well as quickly reference, my new and broad range of sexuality.
And of course," Caitlyn added, "the jet stream, barometric pressure and the moon might slightly affect the accuracy of who I am on a given day, but all in all, my sexuality chart will more or less dictate who I'm currently humping.
But more importantly," Miss Jenner went on to say, "my sexuality chart will soon be expanded because I one day plan to be a metrosexual transitioning to homoflexibility, with daily breaks to be androgynous on a bicurious level, all while living the life of a part-time drag queen, thereby making me, at my sexual core, and in a third-gender capacity, well on my way to becoming America's first out and proud quadrosexual - all of it guaranteeing that if I ever went missing my picture would be on a carton of Half & Half."