Anthony Weiner Parlays His Fetish Into A Major Motion Picture
At first they were the catalyst for national embarrassment. Then the sordid events cost a rising democratic star his political future. And when the New York City tabloids were done with the sleazy imbroglio, the man behind the 'bulging' cell phone photographs was forever labeled a 'pervert'.
But today, Anthony Weiner (above) is 'out and proud' about his past indiscretions, and has parlayed his sexting scandal into a major motion picture due out in theaters this Christmas.
"It's very exciting," Mr. Weiner said on the set of his new film. "And I'm thrilled that Hollywood has seen the dramatic potential in a fictionalized account of my sexting ordeal, literally putting my already famous pork sausage on a global stage."
And Mr. Weiner's schlong achieves such renown in "Carlos Danger: Free My Willy", a hard-hitting drama about a highfaluting carpet salesmen (Anthony Weiner) who becomes psychologically addicted to penis enlargement pills, then forced to choose between reliable anxiety relief or a new career as the star of an X-rated freakshow - only to learn that having an impressive baloney pony is froth with challenges.
Navigating Carlos Danger through 'the danger' is Dr. Maureen Dick (Meryl Streep, with no pun intended), a world famous yet lonely psychologist who puts her career on
the line when she falls in love with Carlos Danger.
"It 's the most challenging role of my career," Miss Streep said right after filming the 'measuring' scene in the film. "And in comparison, starring in 'Sophie's Choice' was a cakewalk."
Margot Kidder, in her much anticipated return to the big screen, stars in the role of Annabelle Klutzman, the Vice-President of a male enhancement company who will go to extreme lengths to keep Carlos Danger's super-duper heat-seeking love missile for her very own.
"The film is making me feel quite frisky," Miss Kidder said while placing a cold towel on her forehead, fanning herself and whipping up a martini, "..because I'm finally co-starring with a real Superman."
The antagonist in "Carlos Danger: Free My Willy" is the Reverend Daddy 'Mo Booty' DuPrancier (Samuel L. Jackson), a local pimp who seeks to recruit Carlos Danger into the 'male gigolo' segment of his empire.
"What I really like about this role," Mr. Jackson said while being fitted with a 100% polyester crushed velvet suit, a wide-brim cheetah print hat and white platform shoes, "..is the authenticity of the character because any pimp is going to want a big Italian salami in his bullpen."
The moral compass of the movie is provided by Luther Longfellow (Morgan Freeman, and again, no pun intended), an inner-city community activist hellbent on effectively conveying 'the size of a man's 'Captain
Winkie' has nothing to do with being a responsible man in the projects'.
"I was immediately attracted to this film," Mr. Morgan said "because it's a little like "The Full Monty", a smidgen similar to "Transamerica" and somewhat akin to "Boys Don't Cry", ultimately becoming a 'Fifty Shades of Dick' type of film.
Rounding out the cast in a high-tech manner is a very special cameo by Henny Youngman, who appears in the film via a hologram, delivering X-rated Catskill Mountains-style 'dick jokes' that are seamlessly
intercut throughout the film, providing the movie with much needed comic relief.
"It's about time my father got the respect he deserves for his blue humor in the Catskills," said Henny's granddaughter Esther Youngman. "And maybe now he'll be remembered for more than just "Take my wife...please".
Stephen Elliot (right), the director of "Carlos Danger: Free My Willie", achieved a lifelong ambition with his new film.
"I've always wanted to make a movie that tackled penis-pill addiction head-on that would label me 'the new Bergman'. And as the director of 'The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert', he added. "It was fun to make a movie about one guy who cannot stop showing off his penis instead of three guys who wished they never had one."
Thus far, the reviews for "Carlos Danger: Free My Willie" have been mixed.
Leonard Maltin of 'Entertainment Tonight' raves "It's a thrilling masterpiece ripped from today's 'penis enhancement' headlines", Jeffrey Lyons of 'Reel Talk' commented "After seeing the movie my wife no longer thinks I'm the man used to be" and Vincent Canby of The New York Times snarled "The film proves it takes an ass to make a movie about a dick."
"I'm just having a good time letting my little soldier out of the fox hole", Mr. Weiner said in response to the assorted reviews. "And I'm looking forward to my beef bayonet starring in my next film, 'A One-Eye Trouser Snake On A Plane', a movie that's going to make 'Basic Instinct' look like 'Mary Poppins'".