The Cleveland Browns Seek A Religious Approach To Winning
With a 2016 season record of 1-15, the Cleveland Browns may be the worst football team in the NFL. And despite releasing and signing a
herd of players over the past several years, the team has not improved its standing in the NFL, leading many to rightfully conclude the franchise has run out of options.
But according to the team's Front Office, there may be a spiritual answer to the Cleveland Browns' unprecedented losing streak.
"We're going to execute our final option," said Head Coach Hue Jackson while installing a votive candle stand in the coaching box. "And that is to take the path towards Jesus, for He, at this point, is the only thing that can turn things around for the Browns. And look.." Mr. Jackson added, "If the Lord can split the oceans, cure lepers and raise the dead, I really don't feel it's asking to much of God to help get the Cleveland Browns the hell out of the NFL basement."
"I have performed billions of miracles for thousands of years" Jesus (right) said in response to Coach Jackson's appeal. "But in the 2016 season, the Cleveland Browns did not win a single road game, set a franchise record for the most consecutive losses and failed to make the
playoffs for a 14th straight season, so as as me being able to help them is concerned," the Lord added, "I'm going to be scratching my head like everyone else does."
"Coach Jackson is appealing to the wrong deity," said Browns General Manager Sashi Brown while buying a carload of tambourines. "Because who the Browns need right now is Krishna, the eighth avatar of the god Vishnu. And sure," he added, "every player on our team will have to become a Hare Krishna, requiring them to shave their heads, dress like orange creamsicles and chant mantras between plays, but I believe in exchange for that Vishnu will finally dispel the notion that a tornado is the only thing that can make a 'touchdown' in Cleveland. But as new Hare Krishna's," Mr. Brown further stated, "our players will have to take on new identities, and I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to get names like Venkatanarasimharajuvaripeta on the back of our jerseys."
Vishnu, the God of Krishna, was quick to discount Mr. Brown's statements.
"Krishna energy is all beautiful, understanding and loving," she claimed while ordering a flock of Hare Krishna's to an airport. "But the faith can do very little for football players who spend more time
in the courtroom than they do on the football field. Therefore," Vishnu
added, "it will remain a fact that the only thing the Browns can catch in the end zone is the flu."
Jimmy Haslam, the owner of the Cleveland Browns, had a more down-to-earth approach to help his ailing team.
"What we need is a Zulu Shaman," he argued while selling lemonade in front of his house to help recoup the $1 billion dollars he paid for the Browns. "So I've already hired Dr. Lwazi Mumbawi for the job, one of the most respected witch doctors in Africa, who, as we speak, is building a Shaman Prayer Shrine in the Browns locker room, and I fully expect him to find the helpful spirits needed to make the Cleveland Browns a winning franchise. And look," Mr. Haslam added, "I understand that Dr. Mumbawi might have to sacrifice a few animals on the football field to work his 'sacred magic', but it's the price we have to pay to get the Browns back on track."
"With a 2016 average 15.7 points per game," Dr. Lwazi Mumbawi said while being pissed off about being in Cleveland, "there isn't a "helpful spirit" out there than can help the Browns. And as far as any animal sacrifices I perform to help the team win are
concerned," he added, "I'd have to take out the entire Sand Diego Zoo to make the slightest bit of difference. But still," Dr. Mumbawi concluded, "I will do what I can to make sure that if anyone ever sees a Superbowl ring on a Cleveland Browns player they won't automatically assume it was stolen."
As of the writing of this article, no major supreme being has positively responded to the desperate pleas of the Cleveland Browns. Satan, however, has agreed to get the franchise into the 2017 playoffs in exchange for season tickets.