Man Loses His Smartphone For 17 Minutes And Lives To Tell The Tale
Monday morning started out like any other for Jesse Goldman; he got up for work at 7 am, had breakfast, said goodbye to his wife and kids and drove to his job as a software developer at a nearby computer firm.
But while walking from his company parking lot to his office, Mr. Goldman, to his utter horror, realized that he had lost his smartphone!
Seconds later, the dreaded consequences of such a morbid cataclysm emerged: utter panic consumed Mr. Goldman's mind, a strong sense of 'no reason to live anymore' took hold and his entire business, social, and any other life he may have had came to a complete halt.
Yet fortunately for Mr. Goldman (right), an ambulance arrived in minutes, and paramedics were able to place him on a stretcher, give him oxygen and inject him with enough Valium to kill a horse.
Moments later, Mr. Goldman arrived at the Level 1 Trauma Smartphone Misplacement Center at Saint Saint Agnes Hospital in New York City, one of the leading Cell Phone Loss treatment centers in America where he is currently listed in 'critical' condition.
Later that morning, a good Samaritan found Mr. Goldman's smartphone next to a dumpster at a local 7-11 and immediately called the police.
From there, a Personal Electronic Device Recovery Team was dispatched to the scene where they carefully placed the smartphone in a cooler (to preserve the information) before rushing the device to Saint Agnes Hospital.
"Mr. Goldman has been reunited with his smartphone," said Dr. Brandon Traeger, the Chief of Smartphone Reintroduction Medicine at the Level 1 Trauma Smartphone Misplacement Center at Saint Agnes Hospital. "But thus far, he's only using the device to see what time it is. But still," Dr. Traeger added. "..we remain cautiously optimistic that through extensive rehabilitation, Mr. Goldman can resume a 'connected life' by once again using his Smartphone to make calls, receive emails and browse the web. And let's remember," the doctor concluded. "Mr. Goldman was without his phone for an astounding 17 minutes, so his prognosis at this point is remarkable."
"My smartphone, as it is with everyone else on earth, is everything to me," Mr. Goldman managed to quietly convey from his hospital bed (right) during a
rare moment of consciousness. "It's my core, my purpose, my essence, my hopes, my dreams, my anchor, my beacon, my future, the reason for living, where I've been, where I am, where I'm going - and why. But luckily," he added right before falling back into a coma, "I was given a disposable smartphone from Radio Shack during my ambulance ride, and that may have saved my life."
"The evil scourge of 'Smartphone Dispossession', along with the unfathomable inconveniences it causes, is a growing concern," said New York State Trooper Brian
Delany (left). "And that's why we have community outreach programs that tell people that knowing where their smartphones are at all times should take priority over their home life, careers and the safety of their children. But more importantly," he added, "..smartphone loss significantly depletes the resources of the New York State Troopers, so citizens, in order to be consistently connected, should consider the option of having their cell phones implanted in their brains."
As of this afternoon, Mr. Goldman's condition at Saint Agnes Hospital has been upgraded to 'stable', and his laptop, tablet and smartwatch, along with his Nintendo Wii, have all been accounted for and officially secured.