Oliver Stone's Latest Film Is His Most Controversial To Date
According to historians, The Falklands War was a battle between Argentina and Great Britain over who held official sovereignty over The Falkland Islands.
But in his new film, "The Cuchimonga Diaries", Oliver Stone (above) offers another take on what might have actually inspired the South Atlantic conflict.
"The war had nothing to do with Argentina or Great Britain fighting over who controlled The Falklands," he claimed while looking for the Loch Ness Monster in a Scotland lake. "And everything to do with Argentina trying to protect the recipe of its highly secretive and profoundly lucrative cuchimonga enchilada sauce - and Great Britain trying to steal it. And when you think about it," Mr. Stone added. "Why wouldn't Great Britain want to steal some gravy? They've had over 400 governments and one sauce."
And Argentina's prized cuchimonga enchilada sauce (right) just might be be worth going to war over. The delectable dressing, made of the most clandestine and valued ingredients on earth, is a
beyond-perfect condiment that brings unmatched flavor to chicken, poultry or beef, all while miraculously upgrading the quality of your light snack, cocktail party or formal dinner.
"And the specific reason why Great Britain went to war over an enchilada sauce," Mr. Stone said later that day while looking for Bigfoot in an Oregon forest, "..is because they needed a new and delicious food topping to appease their population because soccer games, news of the Royals and museum lattes were no longer doing the trick. And Argentina went to battle over their esteemed relish because it represented 39% of the their GNP. And in the end" Mr. Stone added, "..the conspiracy cost the lives of 904 military personnel, 3 native islanders and put the entire world of quality sauces in serious jeopardy..
And my new movie also proves a Pandora's box of other conspiracy theories stemming from the original cuchimonga enchilada sauce machination", Mr. Stone said a week later while knocking on doors in Roswell, New Mexico to get the truth about space aliens..
For example, the 'evil powers powers that be' want us to believe that Tijuana singing sensation Selena Gomez (left) was
murdered by Yolanda Saldivar (right) after the singer accused Miss Saldivar of embezzling funds from her clothing boutiques. But what 'The Cuchimonga Diaries' proves is that Selena was actually a double-agent working for both Argentina and Great Britain during the war who was assassinated because she was planning to steal Argentina's famed sauce and sell it to Switzerland. And then," Mr. Stone added..
"at the Days Inn in Corpus Christi where Selena was gun downed, there were eyewitness accounts of figures running away from a grassy knoll (left) directly
across the street from the hotel. And when the police went to investigate, they discovered sauce pans, ladles and literature on 'how to make and sell your own sauces' strewn through-out the area. But more importantly," the director added, "the despicable 'ruling class' wants the public to believe that the same bullet that killed Miss Saldivar exited her body, then traveled on to kill three cows, two jack-rabbits and a toad in a nearby pasture, and there isn't a bullet on earth that can singularly achieve that type of carnage."
A week later, while in his Manhattan office googling 'the connection between The Illuminati & The Pepsi Challenge', Mr. Stone picked up where he left off.
"So ultimately, 'The Cuchimonga Diaries' raises the question 'Who would want Selena Gomez dead, and why?', and my new film presents three compelling possibilities: 1) The Heinz Corporation, the world's number 2 condiment maker, had Selena murdered because they had a vested interest in keeping the mouth-watering cuchimonga enchilada sauce contained to Argentina, 2) Theresa May, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, had Selena shot after concluding Switzerland already had more than its fair share of tempting sauces, and 3) Switzerland had Selena taken out because it would be difficult to remain 'neutral' if it was uncovered that they were deeply embroiled in a worldwide coulis scandal."
"So in the end," Mr. Stone concluded a day later while looking for Malaysia Flight 370 in Asbury Park, New Jersey, "my film raises more questions than it answers, and that will hopefully fuel a national debate that will make people seriously investigate the global subterfuge behind the sauces they enjoy on a daily basis."
"Something must have hit Oliver Stone in the head," said film critic Leonard Maltin right after seeing "The Cuchimonga Diaries", "..because a conspiracy theory is one thing, and lunacy is quite another. And moreover," Mr. maltin added, "'The Cuchimonga Diaries' makes 'Baby Geniuses' look like 'Citizen Kane', and the
only thing the movie did for me was make me wonder what kind of sauce I'd want the next time I ordered Chicken McNuggets"
"Well that's a start," responded Mr. Stone. But in Mr. Maltin's case, I question his sincerity because I once overheard him speak very highly of Bordelaise sauce while condemning salsa verde to hell - so he might be embroiled in the cuchimonga enchilada sauce conspiracy as well."