A 'Spy Fly' Captures The Bannon/Kushner Feud
The ongoing turmoil between Presidential Advisors Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner has been difficult to decode, leaving many online news outlets scrambling for the truth.
But after covertly implanting an electronic 'spy fly' (left) with free range over the entire White Complex, Spoofeteria can provide an precise account of the initial infighting that has made
the current relationship between Mr. Bannon and Mr. Kushner dicier than Bill Clinton running into Kenneth Starr at a gun show.
The very first salvo of the feud captured by the 'spy fly' was fired during President Trump's first White House cabinet meeting when Steve Bannon mistakenly thought Jared
Kushner was the son of Don Kirshner of "Don Kirshner's Rock Concert", prompting him to tell Mr. Kushner, in a standoffish manner, that his role as Presidential Advisor should be strictly limited to matters concerning REO Speedwagon, the Doobie Brothers and Helen Reddy, and by extension, any new rock band that deserves a shot at fame via a nationally televised broadcast.
A few days later in the Oval Office during a meeting on race relations in America, Mr. Kushner evened the score when our 'spy fly' recorded Mr. Bannon stating he should lead
a meeting with the NAACP, inspiring Mr. Kushner to respond "such a responsibility should never fall upon a man who once watched 'Roots' in reverse for a 'happy ending'".
Soon afterwards in the Presidential Dinning Room, our 'spy fly' over-heard President Trump, while eating a Whopper, say Mr. Kushner is a "great advisor" because "he's my son-in-law", motivating Mr. Bannon to respond if 'family' dictated the qualifications for high-level political office, he has a cousin who worked in a hardware store Topeka, Kansas who would make a great Ambassador to France.
But that snide remark only impelled Mr. Kushner to claim that, as of 10am that morning, he owned every single residential building in Washington, DC, implying that Mr. Bannon would soon be evicted from his dwelling, which was of no concern to Mr. Kushner because he felt Mr. Bannon already "looked homeless".
White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus (left) was angered upon hearing the latest barb between the two Presidential Advisors, and then
suggested a peace accord could be reached if Mr. Kushner offered Mrs. Bannon a pair of Ivanka Trump's 'Seamed Skinny Pants' (which is currently 'sold out' at Bloomingdale's) and Mr. Bannon got Rabbi Shmuel Fineberg's 'Pro-Zionist Manifesto' published on the front page of Breitbart News.
"I'd sooner give Mrs. Bannon a pair of Ivanka's used pantyhose", said Mr. Kushner in response to Mr. Priebus's advice. And furthermore," he added, "as a member of the Alt Right, Steve Bannon should whitewash his teeth instead of neo-Nazism."
"Mr. Kushner is just getting in the way of things", replied Mr. Bannon while finally buying a comb. "So I'm going to have to place a year's worth of salmon crusted pâté and gourmet entertainment crackers in front of him in order to 'deconstruct' our nation without impediment."
With no end in sight to the high-level squabbling, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson (right) ordered Mr. Bannon and Mr. Kushner to settle their
ideological differences in the White House Boxing Ring (located in the White House basement next to the Lifecycle nobody uses anymore), a mini-arena last utilized in 2012 to successfully solve a dispute between Barney Frank and Michele Bachmann.
But the Bannon/Kushner Fight quickly took on a circus-like atmosphere when our 'fly spy' recorded Al Franken opening the bout with 20 minutes of standup comedy, Ivanka Trump selling her Madison Leather Crossbody Handbags (at 20% off) at a makeshift kiosk and CIA Chief Mike Pompeo procuring all the hotdog, cotton candy and popcorn concessions.
And the boxing match ended before it even began when Steve Bannon wanted to fight without boxing gloves and Mr. Kushner insisted on using brass knuckles, leaving the booing, rowdy and chair throwing members of Congress in the audience looking for a rumble regardless of the cancelled fight.
Furthermore, the scrubbed battle only further fueled the animosity between the two Presidential Advisors.
"As far as my 'deconstruction' policy is concerned", Mr. Bannon said while putting on his confederate flag boxing robe, "..the only thing I want to 'blow up' right now is Jared Kushner."
"I wasn't in the mood to fight a disheveled Humpty Dumpty with bad hygiene anyway", Mr. Kushner stated while enjoying a crisp Chardonnay in a locker room. "And Mr. Bannon's 'blow up' comment is quite an insult from a guy who looks like the plaintiff in a lawsuit against Krispy Kreme."
Later that evening, all reporting on the Bannon/Kushner conflict came to a screeching halt when Spoofeteria's 'spy fly' was uncovered by President Trump who then reprogrammed the 'mini-spy' to fly into the home of Lawrence O’Donnell.