Sordid Events Tarnish Joel Osteen's Squeaky-Clean Reputation

Joel Osteen (above), the Senior Pastor at The Lakewood Megachurch in Houston, Texas was questioned by police last night over a bizarre series of events that puts into question the godly status of the superstar preacher.

The first call to authorities came in at 1:07 when a donkey dressed as a sexy French maid came trotting out of the Osteen's $33.9 million

dollar estate (right) in the exclusive Houston neighborhood of River Oaks.

"It's the whackiest call we've ever responded to," said police officer Dale Larson while corralling the ass into a horse tailer. "And I don't think I've ever seen a more confused donkey."

Joel Osteen, with his jaw locked in a perpetual smile, attributed the donkey's presence to 'divine intervention'.

"God had a reason for putting that jackass in my driveway," Mr. Osteen said while removing the leg garters, fishnet stockings and choker from the perplexed mule. "And with the Lord's help, that burro is going to go further than it ever dreamed, accomplish more than it thought possible and become all Jesus Christ has created it to be."

The donkey, later identified as Waffles, was rescued by Houston's Animal Welfare Services, and then returned to his home on a farm in Kentucky, where, as of the

writing of this article, he was reported to be calm, collected, yet unusually frisky.

Later that morning at 3:41 am, police responded to another call concerning Vinny "The Animal" Barboza (right), Houston's most ruthless mob figure, firing a machine towards the front windows of the Osteen

Mansion while shouting "I want my ***damn share of the ****ing cocaine money!"

"It was the last thing I expected anyone to do in front of the Osteen home," Officer Larson stated while placing Mr. Barboza into his police cruiser. "And the Houston Police Department plans to fully investigate this matter."

When asked to explain the second tawdry occurrence of the night at his home, Mr. Osteen again assigned the unsavory event to the Almighty.

"The Lord bought Mr. Barboza into my life so he could reach his true life potential through prayer," Mr. Osteen said while flushing two kilos of an unknown white substance down a toilet. "And he could grab that brass ring with the Lord in his pocket."

"The only thing I want to grab right now is a pair of brass knuckles!" Mr. Barboza asserted while being driven away towards jail. "To finally wipe that stupid smile off of Joel's face!"

The final police call of the evening came in at 5:03 am regarding an army of prostitutes and johns, along with a pimp, coming and going from a rear entrance of the Osteen Mansion.

"The evidence suggests that Mr. Osteen was running a bordello out of his home," a tired Officer Larson said while leading a group of prostitutes into a police station

(left). "And one of the girls I arrested couldn't stop complaining about a three-way with a donkey."

Flashdaddy Cashflow (right), a pimp from Dallas, plans to capitalize on Mr. Osteen's misfortune.

"I will assume official responsibility for all of Joel's super-delicious hoes," he said while bitch-slapping one of his low-earning streetwalkers. "And I will

treat all of my new and precious trim with the utmost respect as the Flashdaddy Cashflow increases his beaver footprint in the greater Dallas-Metro area."

When asked to respond to another raunchy event at his home, Mr. Osteen once again accredited the occasion to God.

"With moral decay in America on the rise, the Lord has gloriously chose my home to host 'Sodom and Gomorrah - Part 2'. And furthermore," he added while dismantling a condom machine, "God knows that my home was used less as a house of ill repute, and more of a massage parlor healing muscles for Jesus..

And as far as Flashdaddy Cashflow is concerned," Mr. Osteen added, "he too can become a 'Life Partner in Christ' by making a donation of $100 dollars or more on my JoelOlsteen.com website to help him achieve his destiny towards God..

And finally," the mega-preacher concluded, "prosperity can be achieved if you open your heart towards God, and once you do, the Lord will summon you by name."

Three hours later, the Houston District Attorney summoned Mr. Osteen by name, and had him arrested for Animal Abuse, Drug Possession with the Intent to Distribute and Promoting Prostitution.