A Republican Submits His Own Healthcare Plan
After an exhaustive investigation involving hundreds of interviews, countless phone calls and a 192 pens, Spoofeteria has learned Senator Ted Cruz of Texas will
soon introduce 'CruzCare', a healthcare plan covering uninsured Americans via 'old time' medicine.
And one device CruzCare will resurrect to aid indigent children is the 'iron lung' (right), used to cure kids of polio in the 1950s.
"Our little ones will absolutely love being in an iron lung to get well
again," Mr. Cruz said while enduring a wedgie from fellow republicans. "And it'll make them feel like they're taking a really cool ride aboard Skylab (left)."
CruzCare would also keep the uninsured out of operating rooms by performing surgery on them with U.S. Civil War Surgeon's Kits (right), complete with an amputation saw, a surgical hook and plenty of ether.
"The Surgeon's Kit will take the financial bite out appendectomies, hernia repairs, skin graphs - you name it - all while giving uninsured Americans peace of mind whenever they need an operation. And moreover," the Senator went on to say. "..the impoverished can get these operations in the comfort and convenience of their homes."
And the beggarly needn't worry about 'sterilization' either," Mr. Cruz added. "..because CruzCare will mandate that all instruments in U.S. Civil War Surgeon's Kit be dipped in Clorox before each and every use."
Additionally, CruzCare will treat every woman in America suffering from either nervousness, irritability or a "tendency to cause trouble" with a free bottle of 'Dr. Kilmer's Female Remedy' (left) - rekindling and treating the ancient diagnosis of "female hysteria".
"Dr. Kilmer's Female Remedy will reduce health care costs by finally stopping hysterical women
from running to the doctor's office for every little thing," Mr. Cruz gasped while trying to get himself out of a headlock courtesy of John Boehner. "And when CruzCare brings 'medical vibrators' back into the forefront of women's health, I'll bet you most gals won't go to the doctor at all."
CruzCare will also ban modern radiological services for its members, and replace all their medical imaging needs by referring to an anatomical
model (right) from the 1800s.
"We shouldn't burden our insurees with cumbersome X-rays, ultrasounds and MRIs," Mr. Cruz said while discovering toilet paper strewn through-out his Senate office. "And an anatomical model from the 1800s will do just fine because humans haven't evolved much in 200 years."
CruzCare will also cover ailments ranging from whooping cough to smallpox to..well, just about anything else with the age old practice of 'bloodletting' (left).
"I personally welcome back the tried and true benefits of bloodletting," Mr Cruz stated while searching for a friend. "..because it's the best way to cost-effectively 'drain out' illness."
Trepanation (or the drilling of a hole in one's head) will also be part of CruzCare, applied to treat
everything from depression to seizures.
"If trepanation was good enough for 14th century England, it's good enough for Americans suffering with mental issues," the Senator stated as he 'liked' midget porn on his Twitter account. "And anyone can perform the procedure because everyone's got a power drill from Sears in their garage."
"And while we're on the subject of psychological disorders," Mr. Cruz added. "CruzCare is going to say a big welcome back to lobotomies (left) - and alas do
away with those who jest I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
And to battle the skyrocketing costs of physical rehabilitation, CruzCare will reintroduce Dr. Clark's 'Spinal Apparatus' (right) to help people get back on their feet in no time.
"Dr. Clark's 'Spinal Apparatus' will keep the insolvent away from overpriced, ineffective and
often gossipy physical therapists - all while giving
the paralyzed a taste of the enchanting Victorian era. But more importantly," Mr. Cruz added. "The apparatus is a 100% manually-powered so the crippled can get well and 'go green' at the same time.
CruzCare will also offset the staggering cost of Viagra and Cialis by offering those with sexual
dysfunction a choice between 'Ambition Pills' and 'Dr. Sanden's Electric Belt for Weak Men'.
"I've personally tried both of these remedies to treat my own ED, and praise God they've made me horny enough to make Charlie Sheen look like monk. So therefore," Mr. Cruz added. "'Ambition Pills' and 'Dr. Sanden's Electric Belt for Weak Men' is destined to make the enrollees of my healthcare plan hornier than a lesbian in a hardware store."
CruzCare will also treat countless medical conditions with zero-cost 'prayer circles'.
"This is my favorite part CruzCare because it places our most expensive
health problems in the hands of the Lord. And remember," the Senator added. "..there's never a co-pay with Jesus."
Lastly, CruzCare will finally make 'Death Panels' (right) a reality, subjecting those under the health
plan to extermination for a wide-ranging host of ailments.
"People are genuinely concerned over this highly-controversial aspect of my new healthcare plan," Mr. Cruz said as he shut down the U.S. Government again over gay wedding cakes. "..so let me spell out exactly what it entails..
First off, the only folks who would face their local 'Death Panel' are the incurable who've exceeded their individual lifetime insurance cap of $19 dollars..
Additionally," Mr. Cruz added. "..in order to be executed, Death Panel candidates must have a 'chronic' condition, such as arthritis, diabetes, asthma, opioid addiction, lyme disease, sleep apnea, blindness, or for that matter, a never-ending persistent cough..
But there are two silver linings here, folks," the Senator went on to say. "..because Death Panels would kill its valued clients with the very same drugs we use to lovingly euthanize our beloved pets, making the liquidation quick, pain free, and dare I say, almost pleasurable, and if you stand before a Death Panel with Alzheimer's, you won't have any idea of what's going on."
Spoofeteria attempted to ask Mr. Cruz about the brutality of his 'Death Panels', but the Senator was immediately rushed off to a local Level One emergency room when he endured a papercut on his pinkie.