A Psychic Reveals His 2017 Celebrity Predictions

The Amazing Fernando (right), Spoofeteria's in-house clairvoyant (and part time locksmith) has disclosed his latest celebrity predictions, making the world privy to the spooky insights of a man clinically proven to have the psychic ability of fourteen men and a horse.

"I'm very excited about my latest premonitions," he said while looking over a subpoena from the Federal Trade Commission. "But first, I just want to mention you can now visit my website to purchase The Amazing Fernando's 'Winning Lottery Numbers Generator’ for only $249.95, which, by the way, is not for sale in New York, California or Florida – or any other State that has an effective Attorney General.

And now," the psychic added while retrieving his 'crystal ball from the future', "I predict that Jared Leto will transform himself so completely to play the voice of ‘Garfield’ in “Garfield – A Smitten Kitten II” that he will eat nothing but Purina Cat Chow for the rest of his life..

And look here.. I clearly foresee that actor/writer/producer/director George Clooney will be officially declared so handsome, so perfect, so wonderful, so prized, so rich and so darn unique that he will be kidnapped by The Smithsonian..

And as I gawk further into my crystal ball of the future," the Amazing Fernando said while a process server walked into the room and handed him a large manila envelope, "I see that Leonardo DiCaprio will become so consumed with ‘Climate Change’ he will be spotted in Antarctica trying to replenish a dwindling glacier with a 2 million Kenmore Energy-Star Rated Ice makers..

And in an amazing turn of events, my crystal ball is telling me that George Clooney will lose the 'Best Actor’ win at the 2018 “Academy Awards” show to Carrot Top. Amazing!

And I’m seeing something here.. It's a little foggy.. Oh, I got it. On keeping his campaign promise to punish her for her email crimes, President Trump will sentence Hillary Clinton to serve two years as a ‘Cigarette Girl’ at his newly constructed Trump Aleppo Hotel & Casino..

And finally," the Amazing Fernando said after abruptly pushing aside his crystal ball and adopting a more serious tone, "My crystal ball is clearly telling me that the U.S. Consumer Financial Protection Bureau will lose the frivolous lawsuit it have filed against me because I had nothing to do with that elderly woman from Pasadena, CA losing her entire life savings via my 'The Amazing Fernando Psychic Phone Readings'. And that concludes my 2017 celebrity predictions. Thank you and goodbye."

With that, The Amazing Fernando left the interview, and what his 'crystal ball of the future' failed to tell him was there were 2 IRS agents waiting outside his office who arrested him for tax evasion.